I almost forgot:
7. I was starting to become afraid that I could never leave this city, that I would stay in one maddening place all my life, live and work and die here, walking down streets I could walk blindfolded and crowing uselessly to my colleagues that I enjoy spending my vacations seeing new cultures and experiencing foreign cities in bite-sized chunks.
8. But. But. In approximately four months, I am moving to California. I am finally leaving this ridiculous, beautiful place where I have spent my whole life. I don’t even know how to put my relief into words. I can’t wait to discover a city like a new lover.
An update, in list form:
- Holy shit I’ve finally finished my fucking undergrad.
- I’m terrified.
- Instead of facing life, I’m spending a lot of time of Jstor, downloading all the journal articles I won’t be able to access in a matter of days.
- Mostly, I sit at my office job, sneaking glances out the window and fighting a mixture of horror and the giggles every time I glance down at the official business email I’m writing because it somehow always turns into this: “We truly feel that your programs will be able to fill the gap in our clients’ needs. Dern of Tarn, who had been schooled by her septas in the art of tears since she was a child, let out a wail. “Oh father, you mustn’t!””
- It’s an Adult Job and I’m lucky as hell to have it, but every lunch break, every time I walk over to the water cooler, every time I’m standing by the photocopy machine waiting to get my documents, I slip into the world of my fantasy novel. (Actually, this job might be worth keeping for that reason alone; I’ve never been so dedicated to writing the damn thing.)
- God, I don’t know. I think I’m healthy. Certainly I don’t hate myself so much. I find myself baking at midnight while listening to Taylor Swift or going out for coffee with friends. Stupid things, picking flowers and buying books and walking precariously across the back of benches exactly like the fucking cat my last ex said I was. Being able to care for someone enough to develop a crush on him. Not staying at home all the time because I feel too ugly to foist my face upon the innocent public. Stupid things.
- I know, I know, I’ve sold my soul to sit at a desk all day, but there’s a boy who makes me laugh more than I’ve laughed all last year, and when I close my eyes, I see a way out. I think that is what it means to be happy.
I keep meaning to update this, but the gist of my life is that I will finally be finished my undergrad after I pass these finals. Until I get around to writing a real post, have a picture of me studying super hard.
It’s been a while. I’m surprised I still have followers.
I’ve written two half-posts since the last one. One of them is titled Hello, 2013. “I spent most of the year counting down to the end of the world and I’m pretty bummed that I survived it” and “I remember I used to ride the buses over and over, searching the face of every stranger, looking for something I could not name. Now I mostly lie in bed” and ”2012 was a year of failure.”
A little while later: “But I’ve had two weeks of relative mental health. It’s the longest stretch I’ve had in over a year. I don’t hate myself all the time. I can look strangers in the eyes. I feel. It’s taken me years to fully grasp it, but these moments of sanity are a gift.”
Sixteen months of grinding depression, less than a month of peace, and I was right back to where I started. You know what? I don’t care any more. I’ve spent the past month and a half skipping classes and meals to play Castle Story. My nails are never painted, my room is always a wreck, I rarely stray from a uniform of jeans and a plain shirt on the infrequent occasions I leave the house.
Half my life. It’s not cute any more. I know I should be grateful because feeling apathetic is better than feeling broken, but I’m so sick of this.
mylifepg said: Who is your favourite hockey team? Also...I love your blog, and your writing :)
Thank you! Are you a hockey fan as well?
I love you, my dear followers. I really do. Unfortunately, I am a poor college student and can’t afford to do a giveaway with actual substantial items. But I would like to do something, so I have decided to do a handwritten letter giveaway.
I think we all agree that letters are fantastic.
So here’s what you do.
- Reblog this post
- Be following me (findingthinagain)
- Wait until February 1st
- Find out if you were randomly selected as the winner
I will go through the winner’s blog and get to know them as much as possible through their words and pictures. This may take some time, clearly. But when I feel like I really have a grasp on who they are, I will write them a letter in my cacographic script, saying whatever I think they need or would want to hear. I might even draw a picture of a turtle, or dip Tony’s paw in paint and give you a paw print. You never know. Also, there’s a 79% chance that this will lead to me wanting to be your best friend. Reading a whole blog can do that to a person.
Let’s do this.
I don’t normally reblog these things, but I really love this girl. In a non-creepy, she-inspires-the-shit-out-of-me way.
Oh, who am I kidding, I’m always creepy when I love.
|me in my head:||i'm going to get my life together and read classic novels and drink green tea and eat really healthy and wear cute outfits and make interesting artwork and spend lots of time outside. i'm going to start biking everywhere and walking and listening to lots of new indie bands that i've always wanted to listen to and take bubble baths and my life is just going to be amazing.|
|me in reality:||well. today i think i'm going to watch netflix in my pjs and eat ice cream. and if i'm feeling really productive i might shower.|